i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
