I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
