I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Pooping to opera.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
