it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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