Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
