So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
When are your genitals available?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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