just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
