Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize