It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
