two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
