he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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