So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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