I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
