I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
did i walk over a car last night?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
