where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
