Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
