You can't special order awesome
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
