Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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