i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize