He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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