I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
The uberlube is also flammable
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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