I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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