I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
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