And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
