I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
