thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
