new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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