I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
