Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
