I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
