The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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