i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
