I wanna bring you to show and tell
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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