how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize