So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
