her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
cat food counts as protein by the way
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
