I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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