Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
