Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Randomize
