Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
So here I am, sexting at work.
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