Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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