LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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