It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
