mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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