He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
