Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
