Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
