Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
