I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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