I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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