Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i think i scared a bird with my dick
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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