Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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