Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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