I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
