i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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