pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
