i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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