Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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