I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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