i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
