I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
