Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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