If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
either way he was missing a nipple.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
